It started last night when I realised that I don't have that many close friends here in the Midlands. This came up when Kat was asking me about my stag night for our August UK wedding....I couldn't think of anyone who would either want to organise, or even give a crap about doing it for me. The one person I consider my closest male friend here wouldn't want to deal with something like a stag, and the other people I know wouldn't be bothered.
I got a bit down about this, suddenly feeling lonely, but it lead to being told that I maybe hide away too much and don't make friends easily. I got confused and upset by this, as I've never had any problems making friends, as witnessed by the dozens and dozens I had when I lived in Scotland - my flat always had visitors, whether they were local friends or people and bands from further afield staying the night after a gig.
The truth of the matter is I have cut a couple of people off that I used to hang around with a lot in Solihull. One is a male friend who I just reached burn out with, realising that I couldn't stand yet another night in the pub going through the same old conversations. The other was a woman I'd known since her and I were both teens. We were very close, even going on holiday twice together in 2007, but gradually her increasingly right wing views coupled with her slagging off of someone else I was friendly with behind my back led to me severing all ties.
I have other friends, but a lot of them have never gotten past 'people I know and get on with' status because of being 20 to 30 miles from where I was living - I never socialised with them because it was really hard...that'll probably change when I move into my new flat next week as I'll be a lot nearer to a great many of my friends.
So to be told that I come across as someone who struggles to make friends felt a bit like a kick in the teeth if I'm totally honest. I felt like I was going insane - what if I really *am* crap at making friends? Maybe I was so rubbish at it I'd just not noticed, being totally oblivious to my uselessness...
I had a long think about it today, and realised that I *had* made friends, but that I'd chosen to cut some off, and that others were a long way away. I also realised that I miss my Scottish friends a great deal but, due to the internet, never really feel that I'm not 'hanging out' with them - even if I don't see them physically from year to year.
Such a non-issue as whether I'm adept at getting on with people or not blew up out of all proportion in my head and I found myself almost in tears several times as I discussed it with Kat. What didn't help was that I've had very little sleep this week so the slightest thing is magnifying when I should be shrugging it off.
Anyhow, here're my conclusions -
- I have no trouble at all making friends, I can be personable, entertaining, and charming in company.
- As I've got older I've learned to appreciate some friends more than others, realising that it's sometimes necessary to cut people off (witness Mat and Becky)
Not going to bother with the scores today, as it's all been rather tiring.
1 comments:
Alex,
I can really relate to your not having friends issue.
When I moved to the states I had no friends here at all. The first job I had was a one man office (me). Then the second job I had was a three person office! One lady being 75, and the other person at 17 I didnt have much in common with either.
Fortunately for me at my current job I have made friends! People I can go out and drink with, or catch a film, or invite over for fondue! But it took me 5 years to get to that point.
My stag night involved myself, my father-in-law and my wife's uncle driving to the harbor to look at some boats and watch some people fish. No actual fishing, just watching others fish. And all that was followed by one pint at a local pub, where our servers were annoyed that we took up a table and had no intention of ordering food.
No strippers, no alcohol poisoning, no being put on the night train to Edinburgh, and no being nakedly attached to a lamppost.
I console my self by saying that it was probably for the best, and I made the most of a bad situation. That's really all you can do. I felt really alone for a long time, and I had a lot of dark days where I just wanted to pack up and go home. I still miss all my old friends and would love nothing more than to spend one night a week at the Crown with them. But then I remember why I came here and why we went through the process we did, and all those feelings go away.
Hold on.
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