So reads the comment from 'Anonymous' on yesterday's entry, probably intended as a snipe at how 'Alex-centric' my blog is. That'll be the blog written by me, documenting my ongoing battle against clinical depression.
I'm not sure what 'Anonymous' is hoping a blog covering this subject would be about, maybe (in his opinion) I should be opening it up, discussing football or whatever was on TV last night. Perhaps I should even open it up for other people to post entries - who cares that it's specifically and deliberately about me? Or perhaps he's so uncomfortable with the concept of someone trying to address a mental health issue that he'd rather I didn't write anything at all.
Having obviously offended 'Annoymous' somehow I feel it only right to stop writing altogether, to give up on the journey I'm on. After all, I don't want to continue upsetting someone who is so unhappy with my writing that he couldn't even bring himself to leave his name.
......
Of course I'm not going to stop, and I have to wonder what people who try to undermine this whole thing are hoping to achieve. No matter how anyone feels about me in other spheres of my life there's a certain nastiness on show from some quarters.
***
Sunday has been ok, even if I did have a small twinge when thinking about my wife's previous partners. It's not that logical really, considering that I have a past as well, but I still get a small amount of residual, retrospective jealousy when I think about it. For this reason part of this 60 day rebuilding attempt will include a trip to Relate to seek professional assistance for dealing with this. I'm aware that jealousy can destroy relationships, that it can leave one laying awake at night, shaking with fear for no reason whatsoever, so I want it gone from my life, gone for good.Though I'm making good progress on my own with the CBT/REBT I know it'll be beneficial to talk to a professionally trained counsellor. I also bought a book about how to deal with 'Romantic Jealousy', a delightfully library-ish scented hardback that seems to have been published in the 70's. The excerpt I read online gave a lot of good tips (some of which I've been applying during these last three weeks) and helped me through a horrible wobble a few weeks before I started writing here. I'll be spending time over the next few weeks reading through it and seeing if I can apply anything to my own attempts at recovery.
Got some stress in the post though as I move house for what seems like the millionth time. I'm going to be living a lot closer to my job, but I've never ever lived alone before having always flat shared. It's only going to be until the middle of March (fingers crossed) but it'll still be a new experience for me. Who knows though, I might enjoy it!
With any luck I'll have a working broadband connection within a few days so that my time offline won't be too severe (it's a bad sign, isn't it, that I'm getting anxious at the thought of not having a high speed internet connection?)....new place to live though, eh? Kind of scary....
S to the cores
The Good -
Poking a few emotions that would have previously sent me spinning out completely brought nothing to the surface.
The Bad -
That twinge earlier, I would have hoped that some things would have started to vanish by now, but I suppose I shouldn't (as said many times before) expect instant results.
So what do you guys think?
4 comments:
Anonymous was probably offering a diagnosis - something along the lines of "you're just a self-centered whiner".
I suffer from moderate depression which Prozac helps a good deal. My son suffers from devastating anxiety and depression which nothing has helped so far. He's a thoughtful, observant sort, and has noted that pretty much everybody feels compelled to offer him some kind of diagnosis and proposed solution. Many stand up with Anonymous and offer some variation of "it's your own damned fault". "Such-and-such worked for me (or for someone I know)" is also quite popular. There are many standard nostrums - regular hours, exercise, different diet, etc. Even professionals, of whom he's seen a good handful, have tended to form a diagnosis upon their first encounter, generally that he suffers from whatever it is that they're most used to dealing with, and that he will benefit from whatever form of treatment they happen to specialize in.
Most of these people want to be helpful. But *all* of us want to feel safe, and I think that behind the universal tendency to diagnose and prescribe is the desire to "frame" this world as one in which nasty random crap doesn't happen to innocent people, or that if it does, somebody surely knows how to make it better. Otherwise, we could be next!
The reality seems to be, to borrow from St. Paul, that each of us must work out his own salvation with fear and trembling. In your version of that quest, you're currently trying something (CBT) which has worked for a lot of people, and seems to be helping you. You're offering the world a chance to watch. Give a hearty "fuck off!" to any booing spectators.
I hope you succeed totally and brilliantly. If you do, be careful about telling other depressed people "oh, you just need CBT!".
--A. Proudfoot Seattle
A. Proudfoot brings up an interesting point, and that is the individuality of stress and anxiety related issues. I think that writing a diary of sorts like Alex is doing is a great starting point, and really can't hurt at all as long as you have someone reading it who will tell you if you are being overly fixated on the bad (like Alex's wife is doing). If it doesn't work for you, then at least you have tried something that is completely free and not addictive. CBT assumes that depression is faulty thought patterns which have been learned over time and must be "over-written" and reprogrammed. If your depression isn't, at its root, caused by faulty thought patterns then CBT is a no-no.
I love reading this. It's fascinating to watch your journey unfold and I hope you continue writing and that it is helping you.
There will always be people in this world who criticise us - perhaps gaining the confidence to look past this criticism is an important part of your journey.
anonymous was commenting on how there was too much about you, and not enough about him/her.
you shouldn't have given them the time of day.
...forunately you posted this after 6pm, so day was well and truly over then
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