Day Nine: Still Ill

There's a guy who's been talking to Kat online for a while, he's based in the West Midlands and I felt threatened by him. He'd talk to her on IM for hours at a time, and even suggested they go to see a musical in London together (a 'not date') as he put it. Even though Kat made it very clear that she's married and not looking for anything else I still felt uneasy about him.

I've spoken to him a few times, and even though I do still feel he's attracted to Kat, I don't feel any level of threat from him anymore. So I was surprised last night when I got a severe twinge when Kat told me he'd sent her a stuffed toy hedgehog in the post. This hedgehog has (apparently) been sent all over the world, with photos taken in numerous places, so the reason for sending it is totally innocent....didn't stop me feeling very very weird about it though.

I hate when I feel like that, I hate that I can irrationally slide back after I've done all this work to shore myself up, to make myself strong. I know I shouldn't expect to be 100% renewed after only 9 days but I'm an impatient kind of guy!

I've tried to work out what the root of this is, and I think it's probably based in the way an ex I was living with in High Wycombe cheated on me a few years ago. We'd been living together for about 18 months when things started to unravel. I'd be tired from work every evening, and she seemed suddenly completely uninterested in any physical contact, claiming she was worn out from her day at university. On Wednesday afternoons she took to heading off to London 'to look at the galleries'....it was only later that I realised she'd been going to London 'to get fucked repeatedly by a chinless scumrag' instead. I trusted her completely, so her betrayal took me completely by surprise and pushed me into a depression that lasted for almost a year. It was hard work, and it damaged my ability to trust others.

I've also been the cheater in the past, so that combined with my fear of abandonment to make a new, unpleasant, jealous and insecure me. Part of this whole 'Get Confident' thing is an attempt to defeat that as well, though I'm going to be getting outside help on the jealousy issues by speaking to a Relate councellor. Jealousy is the worst, most destructive issue I've ever faced, and I want rid of it before it ruins the one relationship that means more to me than any other I've ever experienced.

So, yeah, the hedgehog thing caused me to twinge, something as stupid as a toy sent with innocent intent. I suppose being able to recognise what's causing the issues is a step though, right?

Other than that I'm still unwell, my throat preventing me from going to work this morning which has cost me around £50 in wages for the day (being a temp means not getting any sick pay) at a time when I can't really afford to lose a penny. This stresses me out further, contributing to the feeling of being besieged at all sides by my own psyche.

Practical solutions Botten! Pull your self together!

• the work thing is unavoidable, I'm physically unable to do my job. I should not be feeling bad about it

• the hedgehog thing wouldn't matter even if this guy did have designs on Kat, she has told me she would never ever cheat on me and I trust her entirely. It's just a toy, let the guy get his pictures.

Also stressing out about the amount of Duty that customs seems to want to charge for Kat to bring her belongings into the country. The whole thing is getting more and more rediculous as department after department of the Government slices away at our already non-existent cash. It almost feels like it would be easier and better for me to move there, certainly it would lessen the amount of stress my wife is feeling.

I'll continue this later.....

(later arrives)

.....and here I am.

The rest of the day has trundled along, I've tried to be a good husband, to be supportive during this stressful time (and it is stressful - until you've gone through trying to get a visa for your loved one to be allowed to be in the same country as you you've NO idea....)

Here are today's scores -

The Good -

I've managed to stay on a mostly ok level for the duration, despite feeling up to my neck in everything at times.

The Bad -

that early morning twinge, I hate that these things can still take me by surprise - I'm trying very hard to stop them doing so.

Tomorrow is day 10...crikey.